I think this has been an issue I’ve dealt with much of my life. If you know me, or if you don’t, take the time to read this article and this post to better understand me. People often don’t “get” me or they think they have me figured out when in reality they have me all wrong. Being misunderstood is my life’s constant companion no matter that my actions say exactly what I’m saying here.
I have a strong and complex personality and a lot of people cannot deal with that, and frankly, that’s their issue, not mine. I am outspoken, honest, direct, and no bullshit and I cannot stand “fake” people (meaning hypocrites or people who say one thing and act another or refuse to be honest with me). I DETEST confrontation yet find myself in them quite often because I am incapable of being fake and I have a need, and a sincere belief that talking through things openly and honestly about FEELINGS and moving through the issue rather than sweeping it under the rug and letting it fester, matters even if some people think it’s a waste of time (psychiatrists and psychologists and most of the World would disagree with it being a waste of time). I do not have a need to dominate or control people, I do not have a need to outtalk/outargue/outthink (and if you think I do then you really don’t understand where that is coming from), and I am kind, loving, and empathetic and I think people don’t understand how these qualities can all reside in the same person, but they do in me.
I’m complex and often times, far too much so for people who think in terms of a limited world view or in black and white when the reality is the world is mostly grays, and I am certainly a multi-dimensional person – no one dimensional personality here. I will never fit into ONE stereotype, or archetype because I am such a dichotomy in many ways.And I will NEVER be most people’s idea of a peacemaker nor do I consider that a noble goal if it’s only achieved by silence and a lack of authenticity, yet that doesn’t mean that I don’t want peace – just the real thing not an inauthentic version of it.
I’ve been between two worlds my entire life – black and white, gay and straight, conservative and liberal, redneck and urbane, educated and uneducated, rich and poor, and so on. I am always stuck in the middle defending myself to SOMEONE wherever I go, and I never feel like I belong, and that’s thanks to people who either cannot understand because of their limited life experiences or are too close minded to care. I realized over this past year that I am tired of people expecting me to fit my behavior or personality expression with their own expectations yet they themselves feel free to tell me how I should or shouldn’t behave. I can only win it seems by being a version of myself that makes everyone else feel comfortable, and there are too many versions in others peoples minds of what that should be for me to do that, nor would I want to anyway.
I have tried most of my life to take what others think into consideration but I do not allow it to change the core and soul of who I am if I am not doing anything against my own very strict principles. If you aren’t strong enough to be around me, to equal my directness/bluntness, honesty and emotional openness then I advise you stay away from me because I will no longer censor myself to make others comfortable all the while sacrificing my own. And whatever the consequences of that are, I’m ok with them because being true to myself is far more important than the blissful harmony of others.